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Swinging for beginners, one step at a time
Swinging is when a couple chooses, together, to share intimate experiences with other people. It’s a team decision at a pace you both control. This guide covers the conversation, the ground rules and the first meeting, with no graphic detail and no pressure.
Starting the conversation ↓ · Ground rules ↓ · First meeting ↓
What swinging is, and what it isn’t
Say it plainly and most of the nerves go. For the full picture of how it works here, see our swingers page.
It is a shared decision
Both of you want to explore, both of you have a veto and either of you can stop at any moment. If one of you is only going along with it, wait.
It isn’t cheating
Everything happens with both partners’ knowledge and agreement. Secrecy is the opposite of swinging.
It isn’t a repair job
It works best for couples who already trust each other. If you’re hoping it will fix a problem, talk to each other first.
How to bring it up without a row
- Pick a calm, private momentNot in the middle of an argument and not in bed. A walk or a quiet dinner at home works well.
- Start with curiosity, not a request“I was reading about this and wondered what you think” lands better than “I want to try it”.
- Share hopes and worries, and listen firstJealousy, privacy and “what if it changes us?” are normal. You don’t need answers yet, just honesty.
- Agree that no is always allowed“Not now” and “not ever” are complete answers. Nobody gets talked round.
- Give it timeTalking about it can be as far as you ever go, and that’s a perfectly good place to stop.
Ground rules to agree together
- Either of you can stop, any time. Pick a word or a gesture that means “pause”
- Stay together, at first. Arrive and leave as a pair, and keep each other in sight
- Decide what’s in and out. Agree which kinds of intimacy are on the table before you meet anyone
- Keep it private. No names, photos or details shared outside the group
- Keep it light. A clear head, a good attitude and a yes from both of you make for the best nights
Your first meeting: take it slowly
The best first date with another couple is a drink and a good conversation. Anything else is a bonus, never a requirement.
- Chat on the site firstGet a feel for their sense of humor and how they handle “no”. If you click, you’ll know.
- Meet somewhere livelyA buzzy bar or a cozy lounge, with an easy way to leave if the evening isn’t for you.
- Agree your signalOne word or look that means “let’s go”, with no questions asked on the way out.
- Don’t plan beyond the drinkIf the chemistry is there, you’ll both know. If not, you’ve had a nice evening out.
- Be a good guestRespect every no, theirs and yours, and say thank you either way.
The morning after: check in with each other
The conversation that matters most comes once it’s over.
What felt good
Start with the positives. Say what you enjoyed and what made you feel safe.
What felt off
Anything that made you uncomfortable is useful information, not a complaint. Listen without defending.
What next
Again, never, or at a slower pace? All three are fine answers, and you can change your minds.
A friendly crowd, looked after day and night
Our team is on hand 24/7 to keep things friendly, and the dating safely page has easy tips for first meetings.
More for curious couples
Swingers
How it works here, who you’ll meet and what to say in a couples’ profile.
Explore →Couples dating
Dating as a pair: meet other couples and singles who respect your boundaries.
Explore →Open relationship rules
Agreements that work, from honesty to jealousy, for couples who go beyond a night out.
Read the guide →Swinging for beginners: your questions
Is swinging the same as cheating?
No. Cheating means going behind a partner’s back. Swinging is something a couple decides on together, openly, with rules they both agree. If only one of you knows, it isn’t swinging, and this site isn’t the place for it.
Do we have to do anything on a first meeting?
No. Plenty of couples never go further than a drink and a chat, and that’s a perfectly good outcome. Either of you can say “not tonight” at any point, with no explanation.
What if one of us changes our mind?
Then you stop. Agree beforehand that either of you can call time, and use a simple signal so it doesn’t need a conversation in front of other people. Nobody owes anyone the rest of the evening.
How do we find other couples?
Choose “A couple” when you join and say that couples are who you’d like to meet. You can chat on the site first, then meet somewhere public. More on the couples and swingers pages.
Any tips for a relaxed first meeting?
Keep it easy: somewhere lively, a friend who knows your plans and a clear head. Our dating safely page has friendly tips.
Does it cost anything to join?
Joining is free, and a free account lets you build a profile, browse, get daily suggestions and send a few messages a day. VIP adds unlimited messaging and filters, from $19.99 a week in the US. The prices page lists every plan, shown in your own currency when you join.
Curious? Start with a conversation.
Create a free profile together, say what you’re comfortable with and go at the pace you both choose.
Count me in, it’s freeMore guides: all guides.